Ellie's Release
by Bashawna22
Summary: After Ellie discovers that her father has PTSD, she begins to cut again and returns to therapy. In order to help others in her situation, Ellie writes a blog and shares her story. I own nothing.


Bashawna22: Hey readers, so most of this is a summary of Ellie's life, but I have changed a few details, and have changed parts of Ellie's season 7 storyline. It's bit long but I figured it was better together then in chapters, I hope you enjoy.

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Background: Set after the events of Degrassi Goes Hollywood, but with Season 7 Elements. Ellie and Jessie are still a couple and have survived all of the events in Season 7. Ellie has returned to group therapy for her cutting. She has been there for 6 months.

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Dr. Kendrick: "That is all for today, thank you all for coming. (Ending the group session) Ellie, can you wait a second? I'd like to talk to you about something."

Ellie: "Sure, What's up?" (She asks slightly suspicious)

Dr. Kendrick: "I just wanted to congratulate you on your progress, you have really improved."

Ellie: "I wouldn't be doing so well if it wasn't for you."

Dr. Kendrick: "Well, that's kind of what I want to talk to you about. Since you have been doing so well, and helping me out with the others, I have a proposal if you are interested. I think you are an excellent example of the center. Knowing that you are a writer of sorts, I would like to suggest that you write a blog, sharing your experiences and your recovery. I think it could really help others that are in your position or at least make them consider getting help. If it something that you would rather not do, if you feel it will be damaging to recovery then you don't have to. I would understand. I just thought that I would suggest it."

Ellie: "Ummm… I'll think about it. (She says genuinely interested) Thanks, Dr. Kendrick."

(Ellie gives Dr. Kendrick's suggestion some serious thought and decides to do it)

(Ellie names her blog A Red Head Mess)

_"Hello Canada… and the rest of the universe that might read this. My name is Ellie Nash. I'm 20 years old and I attend Toronto University. I am a journalist at the Toronto U newspaper called The Core. I am a daughter, I am friend, but most importantly… I'm a cutter. I am sharing my story not only because I want to help someone who might be going through something similar, but because I think it's time I get some things off my chest" _

_I became a cutter the day my dad left for war. It was just supposed to be a peace keeping mission in the middle east…if any of you watch the news then you know war changes for one instance to the next. Either way, my dad was gone for over a year. And I was sad…but what really sent me over the edge was having to take care of my mother. She was a drunk. Not abusive, not violent, just drunk. I think she missed my dad more than I realized at the time. _

_On top of taking care of her, I was sophomore in high school having the opportunity to be mentored by my idol Catlin Ryan at my co-op job. My dream job at 17, and I guess the pressure got to me. _

_It started out small at first. I cut myself with the point of a pencil protractor and as the stress in my life grew larger…so did the object that I would use to cut myself. Pencil protractors...razors…knives…I wasn't suicidal...at least not at 17. But I figured with all of the pain that I had been through in my life, I wanted to be in control of something. So my control was my cutting. _

_I was cutting myself at home and school, and that's how I got caught. I was cutting myself in the bathroom at school and my frenemy (now turned friend or whatever) saw too much and told the school counselor. Although I hated her at the time, I'm grateful to her, I guess that's why we're friends now. If she hadn't stuck her nose in my business, I might not be writing this. _

_I went to counseling, I learned the techniques, and I loved the rubber bands. Although my Dad was still gone, I had other things to distract me. I had my co-op and I got my first real boyfriend. Things got better…but only for a little while. Fast forward to my junior year, Mom continued to drink and I continued to distance myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but I didn't know how to help her. One night, in another one of her drunken episodes, she almost burned the house down. She was attempting to cook when she passed out. I had to literally drag her out of the house. She was too drunk to stand. I had burned my arm trying to put the fire out. I think that's when it started again. _

_I thought, here I am trapped in the place with her and having no way out. I would snap the rubber bands for as long as I could until I had to cut. I kept my "tools" in a CD case. Whenever I felt the urge, I would select a tool and do what I felt had to be done. I never told my mom about my problem and she never knew. Well, I suspected that she knew, but she was too caught up in her problems to fully acknowledge mine. After the near destruction of our home, I lied to my mother and said that I was going to stay at a friend's house, but in reality, I got to play house with my boyfriend at his place. He was on welfare and lived alone. My mother found out, arrived at a party that we were having, slapped my boyfriend and embarrassed me in front of everyone. That was the final straw. I showed her my cuts, I blamed her for my condition, she cried, and then I gave her an ultimatum… Drinking or me. I guess seeing the way I had physically abused myself made her realize that she had a problem. She went into rehab and I moved back in with my boyfriend. _

_Things were really good after that. I went back to therapy and my mom and I worked on our relationship. I eventually had to move back in with her after my boyfriend and I broke up (but that's another story). She stayed sober and things were dare I say normal. My dad did return a year later, he was mostly the same, war hadn't changed him yet. He and my mom got divorced, which I saw coming, so it didn't led to a relapse. _

_My life went on. I graduated high school, got into Toronto U, and began to follow my dreams of journalism. I fell in love for a second time, with a guy named Jessie, a slightly older guy and chief editor at the newspaper. And slowly but surely, my dad went back to war…thus beginning my most recent relapse. I thought that I was ok, because although I loved him, I had gotten use to not having him around. Years had passed, phone calls from time to time and emails were exchanged…And things started to go bad. _

_I had just moved out of my apartment that I was sharing with my best friends off campus. I moved into my own little condo and Jessie slept over most of the time. I guess there was some separation anxiety. On top of that, things began to get complicated between me and Jessie. Not because of our ages but because of our positions on the paper. Although I had tried to prove myself, it proved no use. I'm considered a tramp around the office because I'm dating the boss, and thus I get no respect at the paper. So when it came time to choose his successor, although I had put in the time and effort, I told Jessie to pass me over for the chief editor position. I knew the truth and Jessie knew the truth, but no one else would believe the truth. Even though I had earned the position, I would never have the respect and you cannot lead if no one will follow…I pretended to be ok with my decision, it put a strain on our already rocky relationship. I couldn't help but resent him for going along with it, although it was my idea. I guess I wanted him to fight for me, and tell the staff that I had earned the right to be chief editor and that I should have respect. _

_The stress of college classes, separation anxiety from friends, a rocky relationship, and no respect at The Core. Things would only get worst. Although 17 months sober, my mom relapsed with the help of her new boyfriend Daniel whom she met while attending meetings. I did not like him. Not because he wasn't my father but because he was simply no good for my mother. She was single woman with a daughter in college, and no real responsibilities anymore. She was getting attention and what she thought was love…She didn't care about what I thought about him. It started again. _

_I started falling behind in classes. Turning in reports unfitting of a journalist at The Core, on the verge of a break up with Jessie, I couldn't handle it anymore and I began to cut again. I had never told Jessie that I had a problem and I got good at hiding it. But I could not hide it from my friends, who noticed a change in me when we made time to get together. But because we were all live separately lives, no one had the time to be there for me. This went on for about a month. _

_Then I reached the breaking point…my dad was back after another 2 years of service. This time was different. He wasn't the man that had always hugged me goodbye. He wasn't the same guy that signed the end of every email, "Love you Ellie bear". I didn't know who the guy was that they had said would be returning home after an horrible accident in a letter, because he wasn't my father. He was a solider with PTSD. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to feel. I only wanted to cut. _

_Then I got "the email". There was this guy named Craig Manning. Yes, the one and only rock star Craig Manning, and yes I actually know him. Look up the Degrassi school year book if you don't believe me. I went to high school with him and he was always an unrequited love of mine. He was on and off with my best friend Ashely and this other girl all throughout high school... at the same time. He even got one of them pregnant, I won't say who. Needless to say, she had an abortion. Anyway, Craig and I sucked at timing when it came to the possibility of having a relationship and it just never seemed right…until I got his email. Over the years we kept in touch. He emails me one afternoon telling that he has some down time in LA. Tired of everything in Toronto, I booked a flight. I had to get out of town, and I had to spend time with someone that I knew would not judge me._

_ I got to LA, and Craig welcomed me with open arms. We laughed, we talked. I told him about my mom and he told me about his new music. After everyone figured out that I was missing, my cell phone wouldn't stop ringing. I wouldn't stop cutting, and Craig ignored everything. Craig knew that I was cutter, but above all else, Craig knew what if feel like to be addicted to something that was bad for you. I thought, maybe this is the moment that Craig and I can finally be. We had even kissed. A few days later, my friend Marco and Jessie showed up in LA to save me. Marco had filled Jessie in on my past and he knew everything. So there I was, having an intervention. Angry and determined to run from my problems, I did something crazy…I tried to kill myself. _

_Craig owned a house right on the beach. I ran out the back door and I took off for the ocean. I tried to drown myself. I don't know how I got to that place. I had no idea how I had gone from being a cutter to a girl trying to take my own life. I don't remember much else after hitting the water. It all becomes a blur. I woke up in Jessie's arms. He had saved me. Jessie had saved me and not Craig. Although Craig had known me longer, and I hide a lot of things about myself from Jessie; Jessie knew the one fact about me that mattered most at the moment. He knew I could not swim. He knew CPR. He held me close and told me that it was going be ok. I realized that I had to go home and face my problems…I had to go home and face my dad._

_ On the plane ride back, I discovered that Jessie and I were a lot more alike than I ever realized. We both thought that if we buried the past then it would stay there. So we both did everything in our power to avoid it. Jessie and I bounded over music, TV, The Core, everything but our personal lives. I learned that he had an abusive father. And it was because of that abuse that he lost his younger brother in "watery accident". That explained why he knows CPR. His father is serving a life time in prison. I told me about my mom and dad and everything that I was feeling at the time. He told me he would be there for me. I said he had to prove it (Jokingly of course). Jessie held my hand as we walked through those hospital doors and up to my father's room. Seeing him for the first time in years was hard. I researched PTSD and learned that there were ways to help him. I confronted my mother on her addiction, Daniel, and my cutting. Eventually she dumped Daniel, went back to rehab, and I went back to group. Jessie even came and showed his support. Our relationship is better than other now. It's funny, Jessie use to be jealous of Craig, and I thought that Craig would win if I ever really had to choose between the two. But I can finally let Craig go, because I'm in love with someone who loves me back, and I can actually have a life with him. _

_So that's my story. Please don't take this as some happily ever after fluff piece. Yes I am happy right now, but that does not mean that I will never relapse again. I am cutter. I will always be a cutter, no matter how long I go without. Six months in and I haven't touched my CD case once. With the support of my family, my friends, my boyfriend, and Dr. Kendrick at the youth center, I hope to keep it that way. I hope it brings some form of comfort to someone somewhere. I hope you realize that you can survive whatever it is that you are going through. That you are not alone, and that you can receive help. Sincerely Ellie Nash- A Red Head Mess._


End file.
